For years my mind has hosted debates on the topic of selflessness. The clear winner has always been debater “a”, arguing a selfless person should always consider others happiness and well-being above their own.
Many of us adopt this definition of selflessness and consistently place everyone else’s priorities on a pedestal. This is beautiful and initially feels rewarding but isn’t always sustainable. Overtime we may find ourselves worn down while catering to the needs of family, being the flexible one among friends or bending over backwards to support colleagues without considering ourselves. For those of you who sacrifice your own needs or compromise your values every day for the sake of someone else you may find yourself experiencing burn out. Similarly to a cup of water providing nourishment to others without being refilled. The constant self-neglect leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Resentment can be a result and the instinct to serve is lost.
It wasn’t until recently debater “b” posed the idea that a selfless person prioritizes one’s own needs to create greater capacity to show up for others – recognizing the importance of nurturing one’s own mind, body and soul. This view on selflessness allows us to consider our own feelings guilt free. Recognizing that we can focus energy on ourselves and still be a selfless person is freeing. Nourishment for others will be in abundance the more time we dedicate to filling our own cup. This has taken me a long time to learn. I am still figuring out how to strike the balance and best apply it in my life.
For example, I value health and wellbeing. Silencing my mind and moving my body are ways which ensure this value is met. I am the best version of myself if I have meditated or exercised to start my day. My interactions are more meaningful. I have the presence of mind to listen with intention and serve others with a kind heart. If I skip meditation consistently for the sake of others, my values are compromised, and my cup runs dry. Of course, there are phases of life when prioritizing yourself probably feels impossible: being a new parent or working multiple jobs. It is about carving out the time and recognizing the importance of serving yourself even if some days that is only for 2 minutes. It is too often forgotten in the discussion around selflessness that our own happiness is a priority.
I have fallen victim to the claim debater “a” makes on selflessness. For anyone else who is the host of similar debates, start listening to debater “b” and slowly refill your cup. If you still aren’t convinced, ask yourself this: Are you really that selfless with nothing left to give?
Love this debate. I especially like your suggestion to silence the mind and move my body. I’m going to try that.
Thank you Rachel.
Lauren😊
You have described a common struggle really well. It’s hard to know when to put your own desires on hold for the sake of others because it is of course necessary. I very much like the idea of recognising the sacrifices that compromise your own well being and ability to attune to others — in your case giving up your meditation and movement time. Understanding this has given you a rubric for deciding when/how to act more selflessly. I really like the idea of reflecting on your own needs to better understand when a supposed selfless act might likely backfire into resentment. I feel like this could be a really useful exercise for me.
Thanks, Jen. Really appreciate and value your thoughts!
What you write makes much sense. I believe that a balance can be achieved in meeting one’s own needs and those of others. Not always easy but very satisfying when reached. Do unto others as one would wish unto oneself makes much sense.