Growing up if anyone asked me about myself I told them I was a soccer player. I spent 20 years dedicating my life to the sport. It shaped friendships and family dynamics. It gave me the opportunity to push beyond mental and physical limits. Soccer made me face adversity head on. It taught me leadership, resilience, bravery and most importantly what it feels like to be fully present: completely immersed in a single moment. Not thinking, instead acting instinctively. To me, being fully present breeds pure joy. Which for a long time soccer gave me. It brought so much goodness to my life, I was completely immersed any time I stepped on the field. Soccer became my life and somewhere along the way, I attached my identity to it.
At the collegiate level, the pressure to perform was high. At times external influences and internal thoughts bred fear and stress leading to depletion in confidence. Overthinking was the result. Mid performance my mind would host internal debates on whether or not the risks were worth the potential mistakes. The opposite of trusting instincts and remaining present. The goodness soccer brought to my life wavered as did my identity. Who was I without soccer in its best form? Who was I without soccer at all?
After graduating university I threw away my cleats without a second thought. It was my symbolic way of closing the chapter. And yet, it didn’t feel like proper closure. I haven’t played soccer since because I don’t want to be Rachel the soccer player. I just want to be Rachel who enjoys playing soccer. I guess what I am realizing now is the chapter doesn’t need to be closed. With or without the sport I still have an identity and am still worthy of all the goodness life offers. I still get to be completely present and full of joy.
Whatever your chapter has been or may be, however long, whether open or closed, remember a single chapter is not your identity.
Two questions I am still exploring:
Who am I?
When we lose the feeling of joy and presence, how do we find our way back?
Love the sense of the chapter doesn’t have to end. And I really like the two questions. These are very insightful and ones we all wrestle with.
A single chapter is not your identity… so true!
I wonder if both can still exist…Rachel the leader, full of grit and brilliance, and Rachel the explorer of life, fully present and aware throughout this transition. Life is all about relationships and a constant state of transition. Holding love, admiration, and kindness for you while you explore what’s next.
So beautifully said, I love the idea of co-existing. Thank you for your kind words and love, you are incredible.